Code of Faith

I had to write a book digest for my Adult Small Groups class and decided I would go ahead and post it.  Part of the assignment was to come up with a guiding principle from each chapter.  These principles would be used by those starting small groups.

Bonhoeffer wrote this book while working at an underground seminary living with 25 students.  He is very systematic and prescriptive in this book.  He begins by looking at what Christian community is and is not.  He then moves on to discuss how the community is to fellowship at various points of the day.  Following this, he looks at how the individual is to go about their individual devotions which in turn will strengthen the community.  Bonhoeffer concludes the book by looking at the ministries that the community is to perform for one another and how confession and communion are to occur within the community.
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I’ve been flying below the radar for the last few months.  After a month of looking for a job and coming up empty, I fell into a couple of contract positions.  I have the freedom to work from home and when I want.  But I also live with the fear that at any moment these contracts could end and I would be back at square one. Read More

I have never had success with dating and relationships. I always run into (I am not exaggerating when I say always) the “let’s be friends” speech. After that line, I tend to spend a few weeks in a mild depression trying to get over my anger and frustration. I mentally replay the events trying to determine where it went wrong. In the end, I do not come to a satisfactory conclusion and I find myself swearing off relationships. Then after six months to a year, I meet someone else and the vicious cycle begins again. It takes weeks or months for me to get up the courage to ask a woman out. Instead of taking a risk, I am content to passively sit by and “wait for the right moment”.

I have a close friend that I asked out. This occurred after several months of intense internal debate and prayer. We went out a couple of times and then she told me that she had some things she needed to work out. The fatalistic part of me instantly began to think the worst. The other part was trying to hope for the best and was failing miserably.

Therefore, I fell back into my passive ways. I did not ask her out again and I did not inform her of my intentions. I rationalized it as giving her space. After about a month, I realized that I needed to talk to her, regardless of the outcome. So I set up a time to meet with her over coffee. I had spent weeks praying about this. I knew I needed to take the initiative but I was afraid that it would go badly.

As the day approached, I became increasingly nervous. Then I received a phone call from a friend that would throw me for a loop. My friend informed me that there was a miscommunication between a mutual friend and me. It was severe enough that our relationship was in jeopardy. Because the miscommunication was between a female and me, I began to doubt everything. I began to worry and play through all the worst-case scenarios.

Now, normally I would continue to worry until I became sick. However, this time as I came to the end of my rope, I prayed. I had others pray for me and I quoted Scripture to help focus my mind. I understood that I could not fix any of this. So I let go. When I wanted to worry, Paul’s words to the Philippians came to mind.

Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.

As the days continued to pass, I knew I needed to be proactive but I did not know how it would end. Despite that, I was at peace. I had not experienced a peace like this before.

Sunset found me across the table from my friend. It took me close to an hour to steel myself to say what I wanted to say. I shared with her my desire to continue seeing each other. She expressed to me that she saw us as simply friends. And there it was again. Not the desire to listen to the blues and live in a secluded cabin. No, it was that same peace. I had no reason for why it did not work out. There was no mental replay.

I was content in the situation. I still had a close friend and life was good. It is hard to put into words. I can only attribute it to coming to the end of my rope. I turned to God for help instead of trying to fix it myself. And the outcome was unusual. I came to the end of my rope and found a foot of rope where there had been none.

So here it is Sunday evening again. For some reason, Sunday nights are a drag. Some is due in part to the fact that I start back to work and school on Monday. I think the other part is there is so much unstructured down-time and I get bored easily. Combine the fact that I live alone and it can be pretty lonely and boring.

On to better news. I turned a grand old 28 years old on Friday. I’m creeping closer to 30 every year. The thing is, I don’t feel like an adult. Granted, I have a job and responsibilities but I don’t feel mature like an adult. I look at older generations and all the things they had accomplished by the age of 30. Maybe it’s due in part to the fact that I’ve never truly found my passions in life. I’ve always done things that I enjoy but not 100% passionate about. On the flip-side, is anyone really 100% passionate about something.

I believe my problem is that I’ve never jumped into those things that I’m gifted in. I always stand at the edge and do enough to know it is what I’m called to but I never just throw myself into it. Is it fear? Is it inadequacy? I really don’t know. I guess that is the $20,000 question.

I think subconsciously, I’m one of those people that thinks, “When I’ve worked for a few years then I’ll figure it out.” Or maybe, “When I’m finished with seminary, I’ll be ready for ministry.” I was thinking about a past relationship I had and how being with this woman made me want to grow in my faith and become the man of God that I’m called to be. However, when that relationship ended, my walk weakened. That is the concern I have about future relationships and ultimately with my wife. Will I study and show myself approved because of her or because of my love for Christ and the desire to see His character worked out in me? We were discussing a similar topic in class the other day when Johnny Cash was mentioned. His life was tied up in his wife. She died and he followed her four months later. I want my wife to encourage me to grow in Christ but I don’t want my growth to be dependent upon simply having her in my life.

I know simply reading these paragraphs out of the context of my life, one might think I have mental issues. I actually ask myself that from time to time. Another indication of mental issues. The answer is no. As a very close friend says I’m too introspective for my own good.

Well I need to quit writing and get to my New Testament reading.

Dios te bendiga.

I went back and read some emails that I have sent over the past year. There is some really deep stuff in those emails. I can’t take credit for it though. It was God speaking through me. It’s funny I’m still pretty much where I was in those emails. It feels like I’m in a vicious cycle. One mouth I’m doing good on my own and the next I’m moaning over how things aren’t working in my life.

I guess I’ll start with the whole dating, spouse hunting ordeal. I recently stuck my heart out on the line to see if someone shared the same feelings for me that I had for her. Let’s just say that I’ve had a perfect track record for hearing a woman tell me that she just wants to be my friend. Isn’t that what your wife/husband is supposed to be to you, your best friend? I feel like I’m in junior high every time I venture into this territory. “Can you tell so and so that I like them and find out if they like me back?” Can’t we act like adults and just tell each other how we honestly feel about each other. And no matter how much you tell yourself that you don’t care if it works out, it still feels like your heart got flattened when you hear those words. I’ve never been mad at any person in particular, just mad at myself for falling hard and letting myself get hurt. It’s a double-edged sword. You either get out there and get your heart broken or you close yourself off and not let anyone in and keep your heart intact, but you’ll be alone.

I have an idea. Let’s all become Vulcan. They are able to be social and have friendships but they have no emotions so they are not worried about whether somebody likes them. They don’t wear their hearts on their sleeves because they see no logical reason to do so. But let’s face it. We’re not Vulcans, and we are going to have to deal with our emotions. God gave them to us and understands how we think and interpret them. I wish there was an appendix on emotions in the back of the Bible to tell you how to deal with them but there isn’t so we just have to rely on God to give us the strength to endure. And so begins the great cliché that we all hear. “It will all happen in God’s timing.” Ask any person six months before God’s timing occurred and see if that phrase is comforting to them. It’s not. We can only get that peace from God and so many of us don’t want that peace. We feel for some reason or another that if we accept God’s timing then we will be 50 before we find someone.

I’ve also had several women tell me recently that I’m a wonderful Christian guy and they love my heart for God. I’ a great guy who wants to follow after God but you don’t want to go out with me. Then who do you want to go out with? Some guy that is an atheist and loves to beat women. It seems like my life is filled with paradoxes when it comes to dating. I’m a great friend and someone who will listen to their problems but I’m not husband material. I’m a godly man but not husband material. I’m a willing servant but apparently not the type of servant Paul called men to be in Ephesians.

It may sound like I’m bashing women or something but I’m really not. I’m just taking a step back and taking a look at how we go about this whole thing called dating. I think I’m so aggravated, and I’m sure many others are, with this whole convention called dating because it is a man-made concept. All man-made concepts are flawed and in turn will carry with them frustration. That is why people find no sanctuary in success, money, or power. They are all man-made and are empty. There is no substance. The same is with dating. We try to find fulfillment in dating and even in marriage but we will fail and ultimately will be frustrated if that is all we seek. The way to have marriage be fulfilling is by including God in the equation. But just by seeking God does not mean that we will automatically find our spouse.

So in the end we are back at square one. If we are seeking after God and have someone then God is good and times seem good. If we are seeking after God and don’t have someone then we question God “When?” There is no formula to plug in the pieces and get it to work. However, that is how our society is wired. We learn that if you plug in X and Y then you get the square root of Z. But God doesn’t work with equations. So when we try and plug God into an equation we get frustrated because he doesn’t fit. So really in the end, all we are left with is the old cliché. It does nothing to comfort our broken heart but it is the truth of God, and at these times all we can do is cling to the truths of God. So even if it is uncomforting, still cling to the truth that “With the Lord a day is like a thousand years, and a thousand years are like a day. The Lord is not slow in keeping his promise, as some understand slowness.”

It’s been a while since my last mass email. This one is a little more thought provoking instead of a self-revelation.

I went home Friday night and I took the long way home. It gave me some time to think. A lot has been running through my head lately. My future, school, relationships, my life in Christ. Several really stood out so I thought I’d share what God’s been showing me and maybe it’ll be relevant in your life as well.

I’ve been thinking about how shallow my friendships have become recently. What I mean is that we have a lot more acquaintances than true friendships. My mother talks about friends of hers from college and she is still in contact with them. She knows all kinds of things about them. Now switch over to me. Maybe I don’t put forth the effort or people just don’t feel comfortable opening up to me, I don’t know, but that’s beside the point. I’ve got maybe two friends that I can tell you their parent’s names, siblings’ names and clubs and groups they were involved with in high school. Knowing these things, helps you better understand people. It helps you understand their outlook on life. I know this sounds like Soc 1010 but hey what do you expect. Seriously though, I’m not saying that by knowing these things you will be closer friends, but you have to wonder how close your friendship is when all you really know about the person is where they are from and their major. I think that is part of the problem with so many of us is that we have way too many acquaintances and not enough friends. Jesus spent 3 years with the disciples. He knew what foods they liked, how they would react to a situation before it happened, he knew if Peter liked black or brown sandals. He knew this not because he was God but because he invested his life into these people. I think that is something I need to work on more in my life.

Along those same lines is the fact that I’ve gotten so caught up in what will happen after graduation, that I’ve lost sight of what’s in front of me.

Devote yourselves to prayer, being watchful and thankful. And pray for us, too, that God may open a door for our message, so that we may proclaim the mystery of Christ, for which I am in chains. Pray that I may proclaim it clearly, as I should. Be wise in the way you act toward outsiders; make the most of every opportunity. Let your conversation be always full of grace, seasoned with salt, so that you may know how to answer everyone. – Colossians 4:2-6

I have not made the most of every opportunity lately. I’ve realized that these classes that I’m going to so I can graduate are full of people who want to know the love of God. I haven’t devoted myself to prayer for those around me and I haven’t been watchful. Looking at that verse right now, it’s amazing how much Paul mentions that we need to pray. God has been slowly bringing me out of my latest funk and been working on me about prayer. A couple of years ago, I didn’t think I could possibly pray for twenty minutes and now I’m not done in twenty minutes. I’m slowly learning not to pray but to allow God to lead me to pray. It’s amazing sometimes. You haven’t thought about something for a couple of weeks and God will bring it to mind while your praying. I’ve still got a long way to go but he is showing me a great deal about prayer. I’m slowly seeing as well that I’ve got to focus on today and not January. When Jesus talks about not worrying about tomorrow for today has enough cares of its own. I think he was talking about more than just worries. I think he was trying to tell us that there are objectives that he wants us to reach each day. Opening a door for someone, spending time in his word, going to class, smiling at someone, sharing with someone what Jesus has done in your life. When we put our focus on tomorrow, we miss all the things he has for us today.

The last thing I’ve been thinking about (this really is the last thing and then I’ll shut up). I’ve been thinking about “my future” and “my plans.” That’s just it. It’s been MY PLANS. At first, I had planned to stick around in Natchitoches till August and then do Habitat for a year. Then God began to work on me about doing Journeyman as soon as I graduate. Part of me was ok with it and the other part of me wasn’t.

As they were walking along the road, a man said to him, “I will follow you wherever you go.” Jesus replied, “Foxes have holes and birds of the air have nests, but the Son of Man has no place to lay his head.” He said to another man, “Follow me.” But the man replied, “Lord, first let me go and bury my father.” Jesus said to him, “Let the dead bury their own dead, but you go and proclaim the kingdom of God.” Still another said, “I will follow you, Lord; but first let me go back and say good-by to my family.” Jesus replied, “No one who puts his hand to the plow and looks back is fit for service in the kingdom of God.” – Luke 9:57-62

I’m not worried about not having a home if I go overseas. I not worried if I have to leave my friends and family. It will be hard but I can do it. The thing that God finally showed me was that I really wasn’t willing to give up on a relationship. My days are short at NSU and I’ve been holding out all hope that I would find someone and we would live happily ever after. God asked me if I would be willing to remain single with no possibility of a relationship for another 2 years. (You are not allowed to date as a Journeyman). So basically, the whole thing boiled down to: Do I follow God and remain single or go my own way and try finding it on my own.

I can’t say that I’ve totally resolved this yet either. Though God’s slowly giving me a peace about the whole situation and letting me rest in the fact that he will work all things out for the good of those who love him.

I know I’ve gone on and on but hopefully something stuck out and will let think about what God’s doing in your life.

Gracias para todo y vayan con Dios.