Insomnia and the Sound of Rain
So my laptop says it is 3:44am. I really don’t know why I am still awake. I have been having frequent bouts with insomnia but I don’t think it is stress-related. The projects I have at work are moving along nicely and there aren’t any inter-personal conflicts. I’m not in class this semester so I’m not stressed over a paper. So I’m at a loss for why I’m sitting here wide awake.
One bonus to still being awake is I got to listen to the rain. There is something about storms and hearing the rain fall that brings back memories. I think back to when I was a kid and we would go out and play in the rain. Feeling the wet grass under my feet. Hearing the thunder roll in the distance. Or to just sit inside and watch the rain fall and see how things changed. Those hot summer afternoons that were interrupted by a much needed shower. Maybe I’m weird but there is something therapeutic about rain.
I remember one day in particular. I was spending the summer in Mexico as a summer missionary. It was a Saturday and the family I was staying with had left for the day. I woke up late and could smell the rain in the air. The house was quiet except for the sound of the rain outside. I had been having a hard time adjusting to culture shock. That morning helped me slow down and not worry about the problems I was having.
Sleepless Nights and Lack of Interest
I find myself sitting up past midnight at my computer again. Last night I was working on an application for Facebook. Oddly enough, that is about the only thing that I have been able to concentrate on for more than 10 minutes all week. I probably worked on that project for 4-5 hours yesterday. However, when it comes to the work for which Fielder pays me, that has not been so forth coming. I got the major components of the code complete before I left. When I was working on those parts, I would sit at my computer and lose track of time. Upon my return, I have found myself making cosmetic and simple fixes. I have to do these things but they are not intellectually stimulating. Therefore, I have found myself staring at my monitor in frustration for most of the week.
It is also frustrating that before we started this project, everyone kept harassing about when we would get started. Now that we are in the middle of it, those same people are the ones slowing the progress. I am not innocent in this predicament but it is frustrating nonetheless. My thoughts keep going back to every other programming job I have had over the last seven years. I start and find many projects to keep me busy. Time passes and the boss relegates me to simple editing text. Worse, I find ways to innovate and take the company forward and every piece of the management machine crushes my ideas.
Combine all that with my lack of desire to do anything constructive when I get home and things go down hill quick. I do not know if this is just a case of summer time blues or something more. I have thought about this for the last year or so. Have I left each job because of the lack of stimulation and fulfillment? Perhaps I am lazy, and I chose not to stick out the rough times.
I am reminded of what Paul says in 2 Corinthians 1:8-9,
- We were burdened excessively, beyond our strength, so that we despaired even of life; indeed, we had the sentence of death within ourselves so that we would not trust in ourselves, but in God who raises the dead.
Perhaps all this lack of interest and frustration is to break me of my pride. My only prayer is that I pass the test.
