Frustration and God’s Timing
I went back and read some emails that I have sent over the past year. There is some really deep stuff in those emails. I can’t take credit for it though. It was God speaking through me. It’s funny I’m still pretty much where I was in those emails. It feels like I’m in a vicious cycle. One mouth I’m doing good on my own and the next I’m moaning over how things aren’t working in my life.
I guess I’ll start with the whole dating, spouse hunting ordeal. I recently stuck my heart out on the line to see if someone shared the same feelings for me that I had for her. Let’s just say that I’ve had a perfect track record for hearing a woman tell me that she just wants to be my friend. Isn’t that what your wife/husband is supposed to be to you, your best friend? I feel like I’m in junior high every time I venture into this territory. “Can you tell so and so that I like them and find out if they like me back?” Can’t we act like adults and just tell each other how we honestly feel about each other. And no matter how much you tell yourself that you don’t care if it works out, it still feels like your heart got flattened when you hear those words. I’ve never been mad at any person in particular, just mad at myself for falling hard and letting myself get hurt. It’s a double-edged sword. You either get out there and get your heart broken or you close yourself off and not let anyone in and keep your heart intact, but you’ll be alone.
I have an idea. Let’s all become Vulcan. They are able to be social and have friendships but they have no emotions so they are not worried about whether somebody likes them. They don’t wear their hearts on their sleeves because they see no logical reason to do so. But let’s face it. We’re not Vulcans, and we are going to have to deal with our emotions. God gave them to us and understands how we think and interpret them. I wish there was an appendix on emotions in the back of the Bible to tell you how to deal with them but there isn’t so we just have to rely on God to give us the strength to endure. And so begins the great cliché that we all hear. “It will all happen in God’s timing.” Ask any person six months before God’s timing occurred and see if that phrase is comforting to them. It’s not. We can only get that peace from God and so many of us don’t want that peace. We feel for some reason or another that if we accept God’s timing then we will be 50 before we find someone.
I’ve also had several women tell me recently that I’m a wonderful Christian guy and they love my heart for God. I’ a great guy who wants to follow after God but you don’t want to go out with me. Then who do you want to go out with? Some guy that is an atheist and loves to beat women. It seems like my life is filled with paradoxes when it comes to dating. I’m a great friend and someone who will listen to their problems but I’m not husband material. I’m a godly man but not husband material. I’m a willing servant but apparently not the type of servant Paul called men to be in Ephesians.
It may sound like I’m bashing women or something but I’m really not. I’m just taking a step back and taking a look at how we go about this whole thing called dating. I think I’m so aggravated, and I’m sure many others are, with this whole convention called dating because it is a man-made concept. All man-made concepts are flawed and in turn will carry with them frustration. That is why people find no sanctuary in success, money, or power. They are all man-made and are empty. There is no substance. The same is with dating. We try to find fulfillment in dating and even in marriage but we will fail and ultimately will be frustrated if that is all we seek. The way to have marriage be fulfilling is by including God in the equation. But just by seeking God does not mean that we will automatically find our spouse.
So in the end we are back at square one. If we are seeking after God and have someone then God is good and times seem good. If we are seeking after God and don’t have someone then we question God “When?” There is no formula to plug in the pieces and get it to work. However, that is how our society is wired. We learn that if you plug in X and Y then you get the square root of Z. But God doesn’t work with equations. So when we try and plug God into an equation we get frustrated because he doesn’t fit. So really in the end, all we are left with is the old cliché. It does nothing to comfort our broken heart but it is the truth of God, and at these times all we can do is cling to the truths of God. So even if it is uncomforting, still cling to the truth that “With the Lord a day is like a thousand years, and a thousand years are like a day. The Lord is not slow in keeping his promise, as some understand slowness.”
New Directions and Unseen Blessings
Well, here it is the first week in June and that means I’ve survived the first five months after college. Hey, I’ve made it this far surely I can make it through anything. I want to forewarn you that the following selection is very lenghty. So make yourself comfortable, get a pillow and some hot chocolate and get ready. Well enough of the melodrama.
I’ve been wanting to write about what God has been doing lately but I’ve been putting it off. What can I say. I’m a good procrastinator. So here I go. Since I’ve graduated from college, I’ve struggled with “what I’m supposed to do with my life.” People still ask me if I’ll do Journeyman. My answer is I don’t know and I’m going to leave that up to God. The one thing I do know is that I’m where I’m at right now is where he wants me. He has recently allowed me to move into a new circle of people who could be classified like the sinners that Jesus hung out with. I’ve been invited to join a group for guys who work with computers for a living and want to increase their knowledge about them. A coworker of mine invited me to join them last week. You know, three or four years ago I would have never imagined that I would have ever stepped foot into a bar but I spent last Wednesday night talking about computers and ironically enough, religion with these guys over margaritas. I drank Dr. Pepper just in case your curious, and listened as these men talked about various topics. One of them ridiculed me because I didn’t drink or smoke but that comes with the territory. Before I went, I thought about not going but then God reminded me that these guys needed to be loved just as much as I did. I didn’t venture out much from the BCM crowd while in college for various reasons, but now God has provided a way for me to minister to these guys.
About two weeks ago, another coworker asked me if I wanted to sing at a memorial service. She couldn’t because she was going out of town. I told her yes and sang at the service and was compensated for my effort. The following week I was asked to sing at another funeral and again was compensated for my effort. Then the very next day, I preached at Robeline Baptist both the morning and evening services. Now what makes this all so very interesting is what had transpired in the last five months. Some time in February I went and did a singing interview at Pleasant Hill Baptist for an interim music minister position. They wanted someone to lead choir and everything and I only felt comfortable playing my guitar and singing. So through circumstances, they didn’t call me back about the job. So another month or two went by and I was still praying about a church job and waiting for God to provide. Then it came. The pastor from Siloam Baptist Church called and they needed someone to fill in for two months while their music minister took care of her mother-in-law. This was the perfect opportunity. I could get in a church and get some experience but it won’t be long-term. I told the pastor to give me a day or two to pray about it and I would call him back. This was on a Thursday. I knew by Friday that I should take the job. I felt that I had left God out of the equation on the Pleasant Hill job and I didn’t want to do that again. I knew I couldn’t lead a choir but I was going to rely on God to give me the knowledge and power to get it done. So I called the pastor on Monday, all ready to get started. One catch. The mother-in-law had passed away during the weekend and there was now no need for the music minister to take time off. I asked God why this had happened. I had gotten all excited about this job and then watched it vanish before my eyes. God eventually showed me that this had been a test to see if I was willing to step out on faith and trust him and not my own power.
So then I spent another month praying for a church job and waiting for God again and then within a matter of a week, I had sung at two funerals and preached at a church. I’m beginning to see that this might be the answer I am looking for, just not in the place that I was looking. If I’m able to keep preaching at different churches I can always take my guitar and do a special and then preach. Plus, maybe in some way I can help those who are grieving when I go and sing at a funeral. Many people I have talked to say that they couldn’t go and sing because it would be too hard. Well, maybe since I’ve experienced so much loss in my life now God will be able to take that and allow me to minister to someone who is in the same position.
I’ve also found that I’ve been spending less and less time thinking about dating and trying to find “The One.” I have to credit that to Hartwell. I asked him just before he left, how did he deal with the feelings of wanting to find someone. He told me to stay busy and focus on surviving. He said that in Africa, surviving takes up a good part of your time. In the last couple of weeks, I have started playing tennis after work every other day and running some mornings, when I can get up early enough. When you live by yourself and work everyday you do spend a lot of your day just surviving. You work for eight hours and then you come home and cook something and then wash dishes. You straighten up the house. You mow the lawn, you do laundry, you play on your computer. After all that, you just don’t have much time to sit and pine about how you don’t have someone. I’m just thankful because that has been one of my biggest problems.
In the past I have spent so much of my time wondering. “What did she mean when she said that?” “The fact that she didn’t run in fear, does that mean she wants to go out with me?” Believe me, I’ve actually asked those questions. It’s sad, I know. So since I’ve been busy I haven’t been asking those questions and I’ve just been able to enjoy life. To sit back at the end of the day and know that the dishes are clean and the floors are clean and the lawn is mowed. To watch the sun rise over the corn fields with the mist hanging over them. To enjoy the company of good friends. To listen to them as they tell you about a crazy dream they had the night before. To get to know your coworkers better and just share a piece of yourself with them each and every day.
That’s what I like most about not asking all those questions. People have always told me that it will happen in God’s time. These are generally the people who are dating or engaged when they tell me this. I know that this is true but I also just wanteto ask, “When’s my turn?” God has just given me freedom from that. I still think about it from time to time, I wouldn’t be human if I didn’t but I’m just finding peace in him. It’s weird. I never really prayed for this. I was the opposite. I prayed that God would bring her into my life ASAP. And it’s not like God just magically made me not think about it anymore. It’s one of those things that you stop and look around at your life and you realize it’s missing and you just praise God for it.
I meant to bring this up earlier. This is just one of those God things. I’ve been wanting to get a computer since I graduated, but with what I make and my bills it’s just not possible. So here is where the story begins. A couple of weeks ago, a friend of mine at work told us that she had won a computer. It was a Pentium 3, 800Mhz, printer and monitor. I was half joking when I told her that I would like to buy it from her. Well a day or two later, I was talking with Joe and he mentioned that he needed to find two new roommates. After he said that he looked straight at me and asked me if I wanted to move in. Come to find out, that by moving into the Lake House I could save $200 a month on bills and plus have people around to talk to instead of myself. So I was pretty excited that I was going to be moving and saving all this money. Then I thought about, at first I wanted to put this extra money toward my loan, but either way I would still be out of debt by January of 2002. So now I have money that I could buy a computer. So I went by her house a couple of days later and picked it up.
That’s something else. I was offered a renewal on my contract at Space Science. I told them I would like to stay and work there but on one condition. I needed a raise. I’m not out to get rich but I’ve got student loans comimg due this summer and it would be nice to be left with more than $5 in the bank after paying all my bills. My boss told me he would see what he could do and called me into his office the next day. They were offering me more than I bargained for. I figured they’d offer me an extra $1 an hour or something. I did some math and figured I would have a lot more than $5 left over each month. So then I began to wrestle with whether I should stay with Space Science or move on. Then God finally got a hold of me and helped me realize that he was providing a way for me to be totally debt free within eight months. So I said ok and Lord willing, will be debt free by January. It’s just amazing how God works even when we don’t deserve it.
Well, this brings us to the conclusion of the epic tale of Scott Gottreu, Webmaster Extraordinaire. Until next time, same bat time, same bat channel. I hope everyone is well and would love to hear from you.
Friends that Stick Closer than a Brother
It’s been a while since my last mass email. This one is a little more thought provoking instead of a self-revelation.
I went home Friday night and I took the long way home. It gave me some time to think. A lot has been running through my head lately. My future, school, relationships, my life in Christ. Several really stood out so I thought I’d share what God’s been showing me and maybe it’ll be relevant in your life as well.
I’ve been thinking about how shallow my friendships have become recently. What I mean is that we have a lot more acquaintances than true friendships. My mother talks about friends of hers from college and she is still in contact with them. She knows all kinds of things about them. Now switch over to me. Maybe I don’t put forth the effort or people just don’t feel comfortable opening up to me, I don’t know, but that’s beside the point. I’ve got maybe two friends that I can tell you their parent’s names, siblings’ names and clubs and groups they were involved with in high school. Knowing these things, helps you better understand people. It helps you understand their outlook on life. I know this sounds like Soc 1010 but hey what do you expect. Seriously though, I’m not saying that by knowing these things you will be closer friends, but you have to wonder how close your friendship is when all you really know about the person is where they are from and their major. I think that is part of the problem with so many of us is that we have way too many acquaintances and not enough friends. Jesus spent 3 years with the disciples. He knew what foods they liked, how they would react to a situation before it happened, he knew if Peter liked black or brown sandals. He knew this not because he was God but because he invested his life into these people. I think that is something I need to work on more in my life.
Along those same lines is the fact that I’ve gotten so caught up in what will happen after graduation, that I’ve lost sight of what’s in front of me.
Devote yourselves to prayer, being watchful and thankful. And pray for us, too, that God may open a door for our message, so that we may proclaim the mystery of Christ, for which I am in chains. Pray that I may proclaim it clearly, as I should. Be wise in the way you act toward outsiders; make the most of every opportunity. Let your conversation be always full of grace, seasoned with salt, so that you may know how to answer everyone. – Colossians 4:2-6
I have not made the most of every opportunity lately. I’ve realized that these classes that I’m going to so I can graduate are full of people who want to know the love of God. I haven’t devoted myself to prayer for those around me and I haven’t been watchful. Looking at that verse right now, it’s amazing how much Paul mentions that we need to pray. God has been slowly bringing me out of my latest funk and been working on me about prayer. A couple of years ago, I didn’t think I could possibly pray for twenty minutes and now I’m not done in twenty minutes. I’m slowly learning not to pray but to allow God to lead me to pray. It’s amazing sometimes. You haven’t thought about something for a couple of weeks and God will bring it to mind while your praying. I’ve still got a long way to go but he is showing me a great deal about prayer. I’m slowly seeing as well that I’ve got to focus on today and not January. When Jesus talks about not worrying about tomorrow for today has enough cares of its own. I think he was talking about more than just worries. I think he was trying to tell us that there are objectives that he wants us to reach each day. Opening a door for someone, spending time in his word, going to class, smiling at someone, sharing with someone what Jesus has done in your life. When we put our focus on tomorrow, we miss all the things he has for us today.
The last thing I’ve been thinking about (this really is the last thing and then I’ll shut up). I’ve been thinking about “my future” and “my plans.” That’s just it. It’s been MY PLANS. At first, I had planned to stick around in Natchitoches till August and then do Habitat for a year. Then God began to work on me about doing Journeyman as soon as I graduate. Part of me was ok with it and the other part of me wasn’t.
As they were walking along the road, a man said to him, “I will follow you wherever you go.” Jesus replied, “Foxes have holes and birds of the air have nests, but the Son of Man has no place to lay his head.” He said to another man, “Follow me.” But the man replied, “Lord, first let me go and bury my father.” Jesus said to him, “Let the dead bury their own dead, but you go and proclaim the kingdom of God.” Still another said, “I will follow you, Lord; but first let me go back and say good-by to my family.” Jesus replied, “No one who puts his hand to the plow and looks back is fit for service in the kingdom of God.” – Luke 9:57-62
I’m not worried about not having a home if I go overseas. I not worried if I have to leave my friends and family. It will be hard but I can do it. The thing that God finally showed me was that I really wasn’t willing to give up on a relationship. My days are short at NSU and I’ve been holding out all hope that I would find someone and we would live happily ever after. God asked me if I would be willing to remain single with no possibility of a relationship for another 2 years. (You are not allowed to date as a Journeyman). So basically, the whole thing boiled down to: Do I follow God and remain single or go my own way and try finding it on my own.
I can’t say that I’ve totally resolved this yet either. Though God’s slowly giving me a peace about the whole situation and letting me rest in the fact that he will work all things out for the good of those who love him.
I know I’ve gone on and on but hopefully something stuck out and will let think about what God’s doing in your life.
Gracias para todo y vayan con Dios.
