Sunday Evening Again...

So here it is Sunday evening again. For some reason, Sunday nights are a drag. Some is due in part to the fact that I start back to work and school on Monday. I think the other part is there is so much unstructured down-time and I get bored easily. Combine the fact that I live alone and it can be pretty lonely and boring.

On to better news. I turned a grand old 28 years old on Friday. I’m creeping closer to 30 every year. The thing is, I don’t feel like an adult. Granted, I have a job and responsibilities but I don’t feel mature like an adult. I look at older generations and all the things they had accomplished by the age of 30. Maybe it’s due in part to the fact that I’ve never truly found my passions in life. I’ve always done things that I enjoy but not 100% passionate about. On the flip-side, is anyone really 100% passionate about something.

I believe my problem is that I’ve never jumped into those things that I’m gifted in. I always stand at the edge and do enough to know it is what I’m called to but I never just throw myself into it. Is it fear? Is it inadequacy? I really don’t know. I guess that is the $20,000 question.

I think subconsciously, I’m one of those people that thinks, “When I’ve worked for a few years then I’ll figure it out.” Or maybe, “When I’m finished with seminary, I’ll be ready for ministry.” I was thinking about a past relationship I had and how being with this woman made me want to grow in my faith and become the man of God that I’m called to be. However, when that relationship ended, my walk weakened. That is the concern I have about future relationships and ultimately with my wife. Will I study and show myself approved because of her or because of my love for Christ and the desire to see His character worked out in me? We were discussing a similar topic in class the other day when Johnny Cash was mentioned. His life was tied up in his wife. She died and he followed her four months later. I want my wife to encourage me to grow in Christ but I don’t want my growth to be dependent upon simply having her in my life.

I know simply reading these paragraphs out of the context of my life, one might think I have mental issues. I actually ask myself that from time to time. Another indication of mental issues. The answer is no. As a very close friend says I’m too introspective for my own good.

Well I need to quit writing and get to my New Testament reading.

Dios te bendiga.